Don't need telling...

Learning that you've still so much to learn is tough. Learning that you've only got three years to learn it in is tougher. I don't think I'll ever be 'ready', even after these three years, but in the meantime, I better start making the most of the time I do have here.

Today I took the afternoon off Drama School, after being sick twice this morning and twice yesterday. I struggled through the morning at school and couldn't focus or devise, so after lunch, I didn't go in. I wrote my teacher a letter, but this clearly wasn't enough.

I don't need telling more than once that this is a professional environment, and that even if you are ill, you should go in... but I also have enough discipline to know when it's best to stay home.

I know I have to seriously sort out my worth ethic, and improve massively, as I have been given this opportunity at a top Drama School.. I guess I've still got some of the 15 year old Daisy left inside me, which upsets me massively, as she isn't the person you'd take a long to help you learn, and currently I feel she is stopping me from doing well.

I can 100% take it on my shoulders, I know it's noone else' fault but my own, and I can't rely on other people to take the blame for me.. I never expected any of that.

This is where my age shows; I'm still so young and have tremendous amounts to learn and experience. I know nothing about the world around me, not really, but only I can do something about it, only I can tell myself to do something about it. I don't need telling by other people how I should see the world, I'd rather learn on my own, even if it takes years.. or a life time, I'd still rather make my own decision.

We have a month off after this Friday, and it honestly couldn't get here quicker..
A whole month to sort stuff and work.
A month to sit myself down, give myself a slap, and remind myself how lucky I am to be here.
A month to tell myself to work harder.
A month to recover.

I've done almost two terms at Drama School.. this terrifies me. Where has it gone!?

We're also losing the head of our course, which terrifies me, as he is one of the most incredible people I have met. I have his metaphors and sayings written on  sticky notes around my room, and knowing that I won't hear them from him again is crazy. I'll just have to read them every day and remind myself what they mean to me, and why I wrote them down in the first place.

It's been a weird one, a strange term with highs and desperate lows, but there are no regrets, as there is no way of changing the past, and there is no time to think about before, only what's ahead.
My eyes are on the front of my head, and will only guide me forward, to the front. My heart is at the front of my body, and will take me forward. And my clock is still turning the right way, and until it goes backwards, I will only go forward and think about tomorrow, not yesterday.

I also know how loved I am by someone who threw himself into me like a cannonball, maybe it's time to start accepting it, stop fighting it, and let it be. I don't know. How lucky am I!?

Hate to post such a negative, self-centred, pity me blog but ...

' When the world turns its back on you, write about it '